Splashin' in the River
River Fun
Fun, Entertaining & Relaxing
So take of your shoes and come in and
relax for a while
Church Bulletin and Service
Bloopers
This is a
compilation of actual Church Bulletins and Service bloopers:
Our next song is "Angels We Have Heard Get High".
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Don't let worry kill you--let the church help.
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Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our church
and community.
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For those of you who have children and don't know it, we
have a nursery downstairs.
*
Weight Watchers will meet at 7 p.m. at the First
Presbyterian Church. Please use large double door at the
side entrance.
*
Jean will be leading a weight-management series Wednesday
nights. She's used the program herself and has been
growing like crazy!
*
The rosebud on the altar this morning is to announce the
birth of David Alan Belzer, the sin of Rev. and Mrs.
Julius Belzer.
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This afternoon there will be a meeting in the South and
North ends of the church. Children will be baptized at
both ends.
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Tuesday at 4:00 p.m. there will be an ice cream social.
All ladies giving milk will please come early.
*
This being Easter Sunday, we will ask Mrs. Lewis to come
forward and lay an egg on the altar.
*
The service will close with Little Drops of Water. One of
the ladies will start quietly and the rest of the
congregation will join in.
*
Next Sunday a special collection will be taken to defray
the cost of the new carpet. All those wishing to do
something on the carpet should come forward and do so.
*
The ladies of the church have cast off clothing of every
kind. They can be seen in the church basement Saturday.
Thursday night--Potluck supper. Prayer and medication to follow.
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Eight new choir robes are currently needed, due to the
addition of several new members and to the deterioration
of some older ones.
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The senior choir invites any member of the congregation
who enjoys sinning to join the choir.
*
At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be
"What is Hell?" Come early and listen to our choir practice.
*
During the absence of our pastor, we enjoyed the rare
privilege of hearing a good sermon when A. B. Doe
supplied our pulpit.
*
The Rev. Adams spoke briefly, much to the delight of his audience.
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The church is glad to have with us today as our guest
minister the Rev. Shirley Green, who has Mrs. Green with
him. After the service we request that all remain in the
sanctuary for the Hanging of the Greens.
*
The eighth graders will be presenting Shakespeare's
Hamlet" in the church basement on Friday at 7 p.m. The
congregation is invited to attend this tragedy.
*
The 1991 Spring Council Retreat will be hell May 10 and 11.
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Pastor is on vacation. Massages can be given to church secretary.
*
Please join us as we show our support for Amy and Alan in
preparing for the girth of their first child.
*
Scouts are saving aluminum cans, bottles and other items
to be recycled. Proceeds will be used to cripple
children.
Children's Prayers
A little boy’s prayer: "Dear God, please take
care of my daddy and my mommy and my sister and my brother and my doggy and me.
Oh, please take care of yourself, God. If anything happens to you, we’re gonna
be in a big mess."
A woman invited some people to dinner. At the table,
she turned to her six- year-old daughter and said, "Would you like to say
the blessing?". "I wouldn’t know what to say," the little girl
replied. "Just say what you hear Mommy say," the mother said. The
little girl bowed her head and said, "Dear Lord, why on earth did I invite
all these people to dinner?"
Manufacturer's
Warnings
Tesco’s Tirimasu Dessert - Do not turn upside
down. (Printed on the bottom of the box.)
Marks & Spencer Bread Pudding - Product will
be hot after heating.
Packaging for a Rowenta Iron - Do not iron
clothes on body.
Boots Childrens' Cough Medicine - Do not drive
car or operate machinery.
Nytol (A Sleep Aid) - Warning: may cause
drowsiness.
A Korean Kitchen Knife - Warning keep out of
children.
A String of Christmas Lights - For indoor or
outdoor use only.
A Japanese Food Processor - Not to be used for
the other use.
Sainsbury's Peanuts - Warning: contains nuts.
An American Airlines Packet of Nuts -
Instructions: open packet, eat nuts.
A Swedish Chainsaw - Do not attempt to stop
chain with your hands.
A Packet of Sunmaid Raisins - Why not try
tossing over your favorite breakfast cereal?
Signs on Church Property
"No God -- No Peace. Know
God -- Know Peace."
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"Free Trip to Heaven. Details Inside!"
*
An ad for St.Joseph's Episcopal Church has a picture of two hands
holding stone tablets on which the Ten Commandments are inscribed and
a headline that reads, "For fast, fast, fast relief, take two
tablets."
*
"People are like tea bags -- you have to put them in hot water before
you know how strong they are."
*
"God so loved the world that He did not send a committee."
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"When down in the mouth, remember Jonah. He came out alright."
*
"Fight truth decay -- study the Bible daily."
*
"Dusty Bibles lead to Dirty Lives"
*
"Come work for the Lord. The work is hard, the hours are long and the
pay is low. But the retirement benefits are out of this world."
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"Do not wait for the hearse to take you to church."
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"If you're headed in the wrong direction, God allows U-turns."
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"If you don't like the way you were born, try being born again."
*
"Looking at the way some people live, they ought to obtain eternal
fire insurance soon."
*
"This is a ch_ _ ch. What is missing?" ---------> (U R)
*
"Forbidden fruit creates many jams."
*
"In the dark? Follow the Son."
*
"If you can't sleep, don't count sheep. Talk to the Shepherd."
Top 10 Reasons God Created
Eve
10. God worried
that Adam would always be lost in the garden
because men hate to ask for directions.
*
9. God knew that Adam would one day need someone to hand
him the TV remote. (Men don't want to see what's ON
television, they want to see WHAT ELSE is on!)
*
8. God knew that Adam would never buy a new fig leaf when his
seat wore out and would therefore need Eve to get one for him.
*
7. God knew that Adam would never make a doctor's appointment
for himself.
*
6. God knew that Adam would never remember which night was
garbage night.
*
5. God knew that if the world was to be populated, men would
never be able to handle childbearing.
*
4. As "Keeper of the Garden," Adam would never remember
where he put his tools.
*
3. The scripture account of creation indicates Adam needed
someone to blame his troubles on when God caught him
hiding in the garden.
*
2. As the Bible says, "It is not good for man to be alone!"
*
1. When God finished the creation of Adam, He stepped back,
scratched His head and said, "I can do better than that."
Helping Hand From Above
A priest is walking down the street one day when he notices a very small boy
trying to press a doorbell on a house across the street. However, the boy is
very small and the doorbell is too high for him to reach.
After watching the
boy's efforts for some time, the priest moves closer to the boy's position. He
steps smartly across the street, walks up behind the little fellow and, placing
his hand kindly on the child's shoulder leans over and gives the doorbell a
solid ring.
Crouching down to the child's level, the priest smiles
benevolently and asks, "And now what, my little man?"
To which the boy
replies, "Now we run!!"
Children's Prayers
A little boy’s prayer: "Dear God, please take care of my daddy and my mommy
and my sister and my brother and my doggy and me. Oh, please take care of
yourself, God. If anything happens to you, we’re going to be in a big mess."
A woman invited some people to dinner. At the table, she turned to her six-
year-old daughter and said, "Would you like to say the blessing?". "I wouldn’t
know what to say," the little girl replied. "Just say what you hear Mommy say,"
the mother said. The little girl bowed her head and said, "Dear Lord, why on
earth did I invite all these people to dinner?"
Things That
Irritate a Sane Person
You have to try on a pair of sunglasses with that stupid little plastic thing
in the middle of them.
The person behind you in the supermarket runs his cart into the back of your
ankle.
The elevator stops on every floor and nobody gets on.
There’s always a car riding your tail when you’re slowing down to find an
address.
You open a can of soup and the lid falls in.
It’s bad enough that you step in dog poop, but you don’t realize it till you
walk across your living room rug.
The tiny red string on the Band-Aid wrapper never works for you.
There’s a dog in the neighborhood that barks at EVERYTHING.
You can never put anything back in a box the way it came.
Three hours and three meetings after lunch you look in the mirror and
discover a piece of parsley stuck to your front tooth.
You slice your tongue licking an envelope.
Your tire gauge lets out half the air while you’re trying to get a
reading.
A station comes in brilliantly when you’re standing near the radio but
buzzes, drifts and spits every time you move away.
There are always one or two ice cubes that won’t pop out of the tray.
You wash a garment with a tissue in the pocket and your entire laundry comes
out covered with lint.
The car behind you blasts its horn because you let a pedestrian finish
crossing.
A piece of foil candy wrapper makes electrical contact with your filling.
You set the alarm on your digital clock for 7pm instead of 7am.
The radio station doesn’t tell you who sang that song.
You rub on hand cream and can’t turn the bathroom doorknob to get out.
People behind you on a supermarket line dash ahead of you to a counter just
opening up.
Your glasses slide off your ears when you perspire.
You can’t look up the correct spelling of a word in the dictionary because
you don’t know how to spell it.
You have to inform five different sales people in the same store that you’re
just browsing.
You had that pen in your hand only a second ago and now you can’t find
it.
You reach under the table to pick something off the floor and smash your head
on the way up.
Thirteen
A guy is walking past a big wooden fence at the insane asylum and he hears all
the residents inside chanting, "Thirteen! Thirteen! Thirteen!"
Quite curious
about this, he finds a hole in the fence, and looks in. Someone inside pokes him
in the eye. Then everyone inside the asylum starts chanting, "Fourteen!
Fourteen! Fourteen!"
Manufacturer's Warnings
Tesco’s Tirimasu Dessert - Do not turn upside down. (Printed on the
bottom of the box.)
Marks & Spencer Bread Pudding - Product will be hot after
heating.
Packaging for a Rowenta Iron - Do not iron clothes on body.
Boots Childrens' Cough Medicine - Do not drive car or operate
machinery.
Nytol (A Sleep Aid) - Warning: may cause drowsiness.
A Korean Kitchen Knife - Warning keep out of children.
A String of Christmas Lights - For indoor or outdoor use only.
A Japanese Food Processor - Not to be used for the other use.
Sainsbury's Peanuts - Warning: contains nuts.
An American Airlines Packet of Nuts - Instructions: open packet, eat
nuts.
A Swedish Chainsaw - Do not attempt to stop chain with your hands.
A Packet of Sunmaid Raisins - Why not try tossing over your favorite
breakfast cereal? | 
